tonight- my heart beats only out of habit.

amelia_atlantic @ 2009-08-09T16:55:00

2009-08-09T20:56:57Z

Weird, exhausting, over indulgent and good weekend!

Hope yours were, too.

amelia_atlantic @ 2009-06-06T02:12:00

2009-06-06T06:16:12Z

One night with you,

is what I'm now praying for.

The things that we two could plan,

would make my dreams come true.

amelia_atlantic @ 2009-05-26T20:24:00

2009-05-27T00:26:05Z

I sleep with novels more often than men these days and maybe I'm happier for it.

amelia_atlantic @ 2009-05-14T19:03:00

2009-05-14T23:06:09Z

There's no love. No money. No thrill anymore.

I'm trying to figure everything out and stay happy. I don't know what else to do. I just had three avocado quesadillas. That helped nothing but my waist line.

amelia_atlantic @ 2009-03-29T13:28:00

2009-03-29T17:32:16Z

I've been drinking way too much lately.

amelia_atlantic @ 2009-03-22T01:35:00

2009-03-22T05:37:34Z

SO. I have a ghost not only in my house, but my room specifically.

We've saged the house, talked to it and told it to leave but it's still here and it's F'REALZ waking me up at night.

Does anyone else have any tips to ridding a house of ghosts? I'm pretty freaked out.

amelia_atlantic @ 2009-01-29T19:42:00

2009-01-30T00:49:38Z

You don't know what love is, you just do as you're told.

I love that.

Things are okay. The house situation reached a head (ewww, is that the correct expression?) and is currently at a standstill. Well, the roommate with the boyfriend is moving out. My rent is going up $275 which is a kick in the ass but I guess it's better than the alternative. I walked in on them having a heavy makeout sesh in the KITCHEN at 8PM last night so I won't be missing those. GODDAMN. I know they're playing house, but this is not their house so...

Work is still pretty stupid. I've been searching and searching but the job market is SHITE. I just want a decent paycheck, health insurance and a little respect. Is that unrealistic? Apparently.

My real friends (not the pod people I've been calling bffs) are finally around and alive so we've been hanging out non-stop. We got WASTED on a TUESDAY this week and it was amazing.

New England just suffered a major snowstorm. I have ONE windshield wiper currently on the passenger side so that has been AWESOME. What a stupid/vital problem to have.

I just made a new gym playlist and I can't wait to listen to it at the gym.

How's everyone?

amelia_atlantic @ 2009-01-20T18:56:00

2009-01-21T00:06:06Z

HAPPY OBAMA DAY!!!!

See ya never, G Dubs.

We listened to NPR pretty much all day at work today. I'm just excited to see this man in office. It's such a great day for America. Things have to get better. They just have to.

amelia_atlantic @ 2009-01-09T23:26:00

2009-01-10T20:10:49Z

I find myself becoming more unlovable by each day.

I can't help but wonder if it's me or the company I keep.

Scratch that; it's the company that refuses to keep me.

I just watched an Elvis documentary and started to cry. God, I love that man.

amelia_atlantic @ 2008-12-15T00:01:00

2008-12-15T05:04:57Z

So, Evelina, Josephine and I are bffs. We basically only hang out with each other.

I bought Josephine this reallllly beautiful frame for Christmas. The only problem is I'm having a hard time finding a photo of the two of us that is worthy of said frame. I recently gave her a great picture of the three of us for her birthday so I didn't want to do that again.

Is it lame to give her a picture of just Evelina and I? I feel like it's borderline narcissistic. Thoughts?

amelia_atlantic @ 2008-12-05T00:22:00

2008-12-05T05:27:14Z

Man. I am so broke and disheartened by life right now that I ACTUALLY clicked on an egg donors banner because it said it paid upwards of 10 Gs. WTF. I'm losing my mind, of this I am sure.

But can you image? Essentially, MY children would be running around in the world with no recollection of my life. I don't think sperm donors even consider this when they're cashing their $75 check for jacking off into a cup. What a weird world we live in.

Just something to think about.

Opinions Puh-Leaz.

2008-11-25T04:27:06Z

Okay! I have to do some major girl talk right now. My friends (and roommates) are already bored with this story and if the roles were reversed, I would be too. I'm panicking!

So here's fair warning: this will involve much talk of a crush and severe analyzing of a few conversations between me and said crush. Don't read if you don't want to (but I'm hoping someone will and I'm hoping someone will help a sistah out!)

I've worked with this boy A off and on for about a year (he was full time when I was part time and vice versa). The DAY I met him, I felt like we totally hit it off and I actually gave him a CD I happened to have in my purse because we were talking about whatever band it was. I had an insta-crush. Turns out, he had a girlfriend. Fine. I chilled out on the flirting and such but I don't feel like he did the same. I always held a little torch for him and I'd get all giddy if I did see him out and about. Knowing he had a girlfriend, I never pressed any of our mutual friends for information or for chances to hang.

I found out a few months ago that he and his girlfriend had broken up. This, of course, led me into the crush danger zone. I didn't WANT to obsess but I told a bunch of my friends and they always want to stalk him for me. All of my friends that didn't know him before definitely saw some flirting and definitely thought he was very attractive. I'm pretty sure he's out of my league attractive but who knows.

Our mutual friend is pretty close to him and to me and knows that I've always had a "little" crush on him. She goes out of her way to invite me out if he's going to be there. We even went to a play he was in together. I'm worried she may had said something but she has more tact, I hope.

He ends up filling in for someone at work today (he hasn't worked there in about six months) and we talked the ENTIRE day. We were laughing and having good conversations. He's just one of those dudes that actually makes eye contact and will put his hand on your back to excuse himself if you're in the way. So, of course, I'm smitten once again. I'm a little nervous that I was laying it on too thick but I don't think so because it was really busy and I was usually engrossed in one project or another while we were talking. I distinctly remember him saying something along the lines of "Yeah, we should go out to dinner. I"ll take YOU on a date. I'll show you the stars" or something which I interpreted as a joke as a bunch of us were joking. Now that I think (and obsess) about it, it was kind of out of context and may have been a sign. We talked about the gym we both go to and the best times to go and a bunch of other stupid shit. I was just excited to be talking to him for so long, I didn't think about if he was flirting with me or not.

So, here's the exact conversation in question. Help Please! I'm not sure how to take it.

A- "So, what are you doing after work?" Mind you, it's two hours from closing and there are two other employees just kind of hanging around when he said this.

Naturally, I'm just thinking this is harmless chit chat again because I'm an IDIOT and I say "Oh, probably just going home."

A (in retrospect, looking a little defeated) "Oh... going Home. You're not going to do anything...?"

Again, still not really catching on I say "Well, what are you doing after work?

A- (sarcastically) "GOING HOME." "I thought maybe you were doing something fun".

AGAIN. Starting to catch on but not enough I say "There isn't really anything to do. It's Monday. What do you do on a Monday?"

A- "Well, you could hang out at that cafe across the street. It's open late"

Me- "Why would I want to hang out there? I've never been there." I am SUCH a fucktard.

A- " Actually. I'm going to the gym I think."

Then, he actually DOES go across the street to buy some tea and the moment is lost. He was asking me to hang out with him after work, wasn't he? I mean, it wasn't a direct invite but essentially I think he was, right?

I'm so distracted by the conversations and the blaring ganster rap he and another co-worker put on as a joke that I'm fairly positive I miscounted not one, but TWO cash drawers. Luckily, both boys were there because some creepy (and homeless!) guys kept lurking around and tried to come in. Our cars were parked on the same street so we walked together (he was walking me to my car!) His car was closer than mine so he offered to drive me to my car! In an effort to redeem myself, I accepted although it was only about one stop sign and three cars away. I complained about the leather seats being cold and he put on seat warmers for me! Then I said I'd see him around and he said "maybe I'll see you at the gym?" I told him not tonight because I have a pinched nerve in my back (yeah, I have a pinched nerve...weird). But he said "Well, hopefully some other time..." I told him I always go at 7:30 and we can run together...? THEN. We HIGH FIVED but there was a distinct lingering of the hands.

I'm just not sure how to take all this? Have I blown it and made him feel like I wanted to be just friends? I get so flustered when a boy I like actually shows signs of liking me back! Do you think he likes me back? Should I press our mutual friend to set something up?! What to do, what-to-do?!?!?!

amelia_atlantic @ 2008-11-13T23:13:00

2008-11-14T04:35:52Z

Today at work, I was waiting on a customer (a middle aged woman, maybe 50?) when she stopped mid question to say "Wow. You have beautiful eyes". At first, it creeped me out a little then it embarrassed me a lot THEN it made me kind of happy.

Usually, I get comments and compliments about my hair (on account of it's red and most people are so impressed that people like me exist) but usually it's "Where did you get your red hair?" Genetics. "Is that your natural hair color?" Obviously. "Does the carpet match the drapes?!" Fuck you.

Some good things:

I started knitting again.

I blew an entire paycheck on nothing (It's super irresponsible but it felt so, so good).

I took my little sister to get her first tattoo.

Took a weekday off.

How's everyone in lj land?

amelia_atlantic @ 2008-11-05T01:52:00

2008-11-05T06:54:02Z

HOLY SHIT.

Welcome to the NEW AMERICA.

GOBAMA!

amelia_atlantic @ 2008-10-14T23:41:00

2008-10-15T03:46:29Z

I've been feeling better.

I've been sucking out the venom from the last of the snake bites, finally.

I'm taking people for face value, lately.

I started writing in a REAL journal again.

I've started writing again.

I'm putting things in perspective.

I'm planning trips.

I'm not borrowing any more money.

I'm working hard.

I'm being patient.

I'm making plans.

I really do feel like something good is coming. Something really good.

amelia_atlantic @ 2008-10-07T23:49:00

2008-10-08T03:52:11Z

Fuck.

I just keep thinking of a couple years ago and how different everything was/seemed. I can't help but feel like I've missed something.

It's almost midnight. I have to work at nine a.m.

There are a million other things I'd rather be doing.

Pretending you're not getting the flu doesn't ACTUALLY stop you from getting the flu.

Bye.

I'm sure this will be incredibly boring.

2008-10-06T03:39:09Z

Lately, I've lost sight my goals. A little bit, anyway.

LONG TERM:
I need to light a fire under my friend's ass about moving in for November. She just got back from a month in Europe and understandably, she's broke. She more or less made me promise to keep that extra room open for her and I'm so excited at the possibility of her moving in, that I have. I'm also extremely excited to only pay $420 a month (TOTAL) instead of $620.

Which brings me to goal number two: with the extra money a month, it will be enough for me to sign up for not one, but TWO classes at a community college. Thus, undoing all the lies I told to quit my other job and making me able to contact old work friends again without being a liar.

Goal number three: Move the FUCK out of Portland within the next year and a half to two years.

SHORT TERM:
To achieve said goals, I probably need to go back to being a workaholic. It kind of sucks to think about but I also function really well when I have ridiculous amounts of things to do. I respond well to deadines, who knows why.

I have weekends off now, so I must look for some kind of food service or retail job to work Saturday and Sunday. An extra $100 a week at least would be incredibly helpful.

I need to be conscience of my current job (Assistant Manager-"Ass Man" for short at a local bakery) and really keep things in line. I want to be a good manager but I don't want to be a hardass everyone hates. My work goal is to try and maintain a good mood all day and hope it projects onto the people I'm working around so they do a good job. Also, if I do well, I'll get a raise in three months.

amelia_atlantic @ 2008-09-28T23:47:00

2008-09-29T04:00:46Z

As it turns out, I have very little friends left in Portland.

Srsly. Either, I've lost touch on purpose (or by accident!) or they've moved away.

It's time to go too. It sucks that I live in a such a nice house now. I don't want to leave my house but I'm becoming so stagnant. Since we have a giant t.v. and tons of video games and dvds, I've been virtually (pun INTENDED) inactive. If it wasn't for running around the bakery for eight hours everyday, I'd probably lose all muscle mass and melt into the floor.

I miss the days when I first moved to Portland. I was nineteen, had good credit, a year old car, a new batch of friends and an amazing roommate. That amazing roommate helped me rack up $1500 in credit card/cell phone debt and made cheap whiskey all too attainable. It didn't matter then. I was on my own in what seemed like a brilliant new place, leaving past mistakes on the highway. I remember chain smoking on our huge deck, staring at the one tree we had and thinking things were going to be exciting and great. Portland had such a good vibe then. The crime rate was super low and I could sneak into most bars undetected. I was so excited for everything. I wasn't jaded.

Now, I'm bored. I'm so bored. Portland is just as lame as any other Maine town. I'm longing for my money situation to clear itself up (like that's going to happen) so I can go back to school and occupy my time with papers and books.

I desperately miss taking a photography class and the smell of a darkroom. I miss looking at contact sheets and honing in on that one perfect shot.

Oh, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I kind of just want to hit the road and see where I end up. Since I have friends all over, I'm sure I'd find a place or several to crash. It's time to go. It's time to go go go.

amelia_atlantic @ 2008-09-10T00:56:00

2008-09-10T05:02:27Z

In the past few days I have:

Wished three friends bon voyage.

Ran into a bunch of people I didn't really want to see.

Bought a car !

Cleared out my bank account (Oh hi, I have THREE DOLLARS until Friday)

Slept in a bed I shouldn't have slept in.

Pissed off my roommate.

Helped a friend run away from home (She's 23).

Borrowed a car and didn't fill up the gas tank when I was done.

Sucked a giant moth into a vacuum cleaner.

Told my mom "Sorry I've been such a douche".

Allowed someone to set up a blind date that only ended up being postponed.

Drank my weight in wine and beer.

amelia_atlantic @ 2008-09-03T23:01:00

2008-09-04T03:06:25Z

If it takes shit to make bliss, then I feel pretty blissfully.

I didn't use a cut, I didn't want to.

2008-08-20T04:03:42Z

Sometimes I think I live with a 12 year old boy. Hey pervs, I don't actually. But my 25 year old roommate has preteen habits.

She eats doritos and drinks mountain dew, plays video games on her days off. BUT here is the one distinctive difference between Lauren and a 12 year old; she has credit cards. With these credit cards she finances GIANT plasma tvs.

THIS is what I came home to today:

(The dimensions of the living room are really strange, we're still trying to work out a way to make it look less awkward, any suggestions would be helpful!)

OH YEAH:
Here's a picture of my Elvis Kitchen...it's getting there!

ALSO! Today, one of my last days at work, some ASSHOLE guest called me pretentious! I think Kyle is probably the only one that would appreciate this but I said "Thank you".

amelia_atlantic @ 2008-08-18T23:13:00

2008-08-19T03:14:28Z

I just quit my job.

Well, I punked out and gave a two week notice.

I have no plan of attack, no money saved, no job lined up and rent that is $650 a month.

This is the most alive and free I've felt in a while.

amelia_atlantic @ 2008-08-16T10:11:00

2008-08-16T14:15:45Z

Today, let us pay homage to The King.

January 8th 1935-August 16th 1977

amelia_atlantic @ 2008-08-12T14:14:00

2008-08-12T18:26:06Z

My bff came over last night and we drank mightily from the nectar of the Gods (red wine, of course).

We whipped up this vegetarian delight :some honey mustard tofu and some butternut squash/sweet mashed potatoes. It was so, so good and so, so cheap to make. Including the wine (3 for $12, suckahs) we each spent about $20 bucks. Some of that price tag included stuff I didn't have but should have: whole wheat flower, spices etc. Yep, it rooled.

I love going out to dinner but to think I could spend about the same if not less on something I can eat for two whole days makes me wonder why I don't just cook more often. Oh, yeah. I don't have any time.

I've been feeling better, thankfully. I went for the first of many more runs and ran about 2.5 miles. I've started an exercise regiment. I was really lax for a while because I was so blue.

I've gotten a few bites regarding my resume and I have an interview and job fair this week.

I might be buying my friend's car for pretty cheap when he goes out west so that's cool. I feel liberated not having a car (it's been...SIX MONTHS) but I need to get to and from work easier since I moved. I refuse to take the bus so here I am.

My tattoo guy is willing to make any day and time I choose work, which is amazing. Unfortunately, I'm super broke and can't get another piece for another couple of weeks but it's really nice to know that when I'm ready, he'll be ready. I'm really excited for this next one. I've been planning it for YEARS and I finally found the spot I want to put it (my rib cage)(I know it is the most painful spot, I am aware of this. The pain and the ribcage are actually really symbolic to the tattoo design so it's going to work out).

I have three whole days off from work and I just slept about ten hours.

Here's an update:

2008-08-10T03:15:51Z

Whine. Whine. Whine.
Wine. Wine. Wine.